Dance Day Dream

Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life... screw everything... 

Once a wise man said.... pune is full of young crowd, and u can find them in Shiamak Davar's dance classes. wow.. that sounded very nice to me even though Shaimak Davar's favorite color is pink.

one full day  wasted at office.. well prepared to brain wash my friend to make him join Shiamak davar's Winter funk dance classes.

 I  started with, how dance helps losing his extra pounds of misplaced mass :) so I had to explain all the physics involved in it(as proof of concept i showed him one telugu Jr. NTR's dance video),  i won... infact i convinced him to make his one family pack belly to six packs :). Yes.. of course, he understood finally,  my laws of physics are complete bullshit...all he lost is, his wallats weight not his misplaced extra mass.

Dudes Day Out at Ashram

(Me n  my friend are on a rescue operation to save our new genelia-asin generation south heroins, so we went to Self-styled godman Nityananda Swami's Ashram)

Dude: Hey Kid, is Mr. Self-Styled God-man available ?

Random guy: The master is in his study Sir, Please follow me.

G-Man: wow! what an unexpected surprise ?? Greetings to u, you who are not my children, Greetings. what do I owe to this visit?

The Dude: u son of a bitch...u know what do u owe to us...even if you do not owe anything to us.. still we take way your life.

The Dude:   hey G-man..u know what is this ?? (looking at his short gun)

G-Man: is this a mongoose .......??

The Dude: whoa-whoa-- wait a minute.. what the hell r u talking about??? We like animals..

Dude: not because of  animal right activists...  its because they taste gud. We dont use them to kick ur dumb ass...  ok??

G-Man: I am talking about mongoose bat, the animal in IPL-3.. have u guys seen matthew Hayden batting recently???

The Dude: Holy crap, thats the patented invention of our still bachelor brother Hanuman under the name of "Gada".  This poor- racist-uneducated auz monsters dont understand patent laws. Hey bro, ask our task-force to kick his ass for infringement of a patent.

Dude: but bro, this dude makes awesome barbeque. We can forgive him for our last maddu meal , rasam with barbeque at P.A. Chidambaram stadium.

The Dude:  Ummm..., I forgave him all that debt because my brother, dude, entreated me.

The Dude: dude, get the patent rights for this mongoose bat

Dude: hey bro, we r running out of time, we have to catch up an  ipl-3 match in I-max at 8pm.

The Dude: holycrap...i stopped watching IPL-3 just because of one irritating to death ad "Akshay Kumar- laughing like Rahul Mahajan" ad.

Dude: hey G-man, hasn't India laughed enough on his movies??

G-Man: I dont watch Hindi movies

Dude: bro lets finish this self-made god-man split personality first,

The Dude: dude G-man, this is part of ur sick amateur scandal, n now u dont tell me, she is taking care of ur fucking sick ass.

G-Man:  U lost in a world beyond ur understanding my dear son.

The Dude:  I don't want any more of that shit. Can u hear me, u God-man?  Can u fucking hear me??

Dude: hey G-Man, u just tell us, what the hell u were doing with that lady??

G-Man: I was doin my research, I am dreaming of a castle in the air, above the blue mountains ..  a castle made of clouds..

The Dude: Put the fucking gun to his ass and pull the trigger bro. Nobody's gonna know . Just you and me and God.

Dude: FYI G-man, this is not a mongoose bat, its a short gun with long handle, n thanks for your mongoose bat cancept, we would use it, if we found Lalit Modi's scandal.

God-man:  I do meditation and healing for the people. I want to heal their pain. I want to work for the mankind.

The Dude: Shut up... looking over the headlines and ur tape, I am not sensing any ethinic diversity, dont u think u shuold look into that??

G-Man: see my dear son... there are many different philosophies.

The Dude: if u talk about philosophy again, i will silent treatment ur ass into the ground, hope u understand what I mean??

G-Man:  my friend Bejan daaruwalla already laid out my future with is his super natural astrological skills.  Its already drawn and defined, the universe is conspiring against me  and the celestial bodies are not cooperating. I know u guys are part of it.

The Dude: who the hell is this "Bejan daaruwalla"?? is he "Malhotra Uncle's Kid"??

Dude: bro, he is the master of manipulation, he spoiled many of my friends love marriages with his stupid astrological concepts and Ganesha speaks spamming.

The Dude: whoa... the fat guy..with always double meanings and simple tricks.

Dude: yops, double meanings that are almost always correct because they cover all possibilities!

Dude: That dude even come up with your fortune too, Bro.

The Dude: what the hell did he say about me

Dude:  "You like to be decisive but sometimes you find it hard to make decisions."

The Dude: Sweet heavens...again a double meaning, incomplete statement, let me show him how easy I make my decisions ..

The Dude: take me to him in my next visit, lets kick his fortune cookies out of his fat ass.

Dude: bro. we are running out of time.

G-Man: See my dear son, Let me b frank,  I am 33 years old, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married.  My biological clock is is ticking like my alarm clock,  and the way my followers list increasing, I ain't never getting married.

The Dude: u know G-man.. "There are two beings that are not Gods, that existed before humanity dreamed of Gods, that will exist after the last God is dead. the two beings are Me "The Dude"
 n my bro "Dude" ... Amen.

(my bro, blown up this self-styled god-man's ass)

Dude: Rest in peace troubled God-man, hope u don't dare  to mess with south angels again on heaven now... Amen.

Random Rambling

- Read it on ur own risk

Vipin: Dude, I calculated your death time on orkut.


Rambo: Holy godfather of sex scandals...Sir N.D Tiwari .... how can Astrologers and Orkut death calculators  kill Rambo...


Vipin: According to him, You will die on 20-02-2020.


Rambo: this fancy date didn't make a whole lot of sense to me ... but bro..u know, Rambo  is immortal by nature, god by definition.


Rambo: Wait a minute,...Hey orkut dude, r u crazy or what? me being a fitness freak more than that, how can u kill me so Young dude??...I mean how can u kill me alone without killing my lazy assed friend.. vipin... The dude... quite possibly the laziest in our friends which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide.


Vipin: dude... can u just shut ur mouth and  listen to  the cause??  James Cameron can  make an other  3D Movie on your death cause.


Rambo: holy crap..change the director man...he doesn't respect heros,he has  got a bad habit of killing heros...he doesnt even know gulti movie basics... gulti heros are demigods.


Rambo:  I didn't know that he makes  gulti movies too.. whats  wrong with that guy..why the hell he is making gulti movies? should I use my modern gulti weapon, go on a fast to fucking death till he undergoes a brain surgery to revive his dead brain cells?


Vipin: chill dude... just listen to your death cause....Because of increasing global warming, few ice mountains will melt  in Atlanta and ur city will be drowned.


Rambo: fuck man... i dont know whether this bloody global warming drowns my city or not, but it leaves no ice for my whiskey....whiskey without ice can  surely kill me.


Vipin:  dont worry bro... this whole world is in big pain...full of problems... terrorism, drug trafficking, human trafficking..., problems after problems...u know...everybody will die


Rambo: I dont care this shit of problems bro....unless they r threat to my life.  but im seriously worried about this fucking global warming.... 


Vipin: dont u think, burj duabi is the biggest conspiracy behind ur death cause??


Rambo: cut the foreplay dude..after a successful testing with Chuck Norries,  Viagra needs an extreme negative testing .... cant u see that height... dude...any politically correct and intellectually challenging guy can tell that Burj Dubai  is a perfect mixture of viagra and concrete...


Vipin: No dude... its specially designed for global warming...perfect waste of resources.. if somebody wants to piss.. he has to flush water half-mile up in the air...


Rambo: fuck man.. then it should come with a sign saying: " Fly a plane into me...u Israeli bitches"


Vipin: thats a great idea...bro.. ask mossad to put rakhi sawant and rahul mahajan in that plane..i cant take any other swayamwar TV sows now.. unless its my own swayamwar.


Rambo: Bro..after a ultimate collapse of Copenhagen climate meet,  the only hope left is BABA RAM DEV DUDE... I m sure he comes up with a new anti-global warming Yoga technique....  not to save me.. but to save his own ass drowning at his newly bought Island.

Fake fasting saga and my hardcore fiction

Disclaimer:  Fuck, shit, ass related words are used interchangeably without attaching any meaning to it. Even if you remove those words, it still gives the same meaning.

(Me and My bro taking a crazy walk on gulti land and talking about our routine stuff)

Me: hey wassup bro... How ya doin??

Bro: there is a serious problem bro... The beer consumption on earth dropped to  its all time low.

Me: have u heard of this fake fasting theory, strikes, destruction of public properties recently??  This could be a main reason as most of the liquor shops are forced to close.

Bro:  holy shit...I have absolutely no experience in handling such no-violence means bro...who the hell, doing all this?? Can u get me to those assholes..

(Suddenly me and  my  short tempered, non gulti bro, with his  favorite "Star Model SS .380 ACP pistol", bumped into one of the fake fasting asshole, Soon-To-Be-Livin, The-Rest-Of-His-Short-Ass-Life-ln-Agonizing-Pain, Hunger striker(HS), where he  and his friends having biryani, got from loacal foodchains, when he was on fucking fast to death at some hosptial(who cares about the name of hospital?).

Me: Hey, How you assholes doin' ?

(Everybody got scared and trying to hide their asses)

Bro: hey bro, lets get into the character.. Shoot his balls and take away all his male privileges before he becoming father to few other genetically defective, hormonally disabled child.

Me: Hey, keep chillin'. Looks like me and my bro caught you assholes at Dinner. Sorry about that.

HS: Hey don't hurt us....We got into this thing with best intentions...I mean, best for our own future...

(My angry brother shoots his biryani plate)

Bro: ohk.. go head...did I break your concentration ? You were saying something about "best intentions.".. go ahead...

HS:yes my dear friend, I wanted to split AP...the land of gulties... you know why??

Bro: shut up bitch... if u ask me one more fucking question...  I dare u... I double dare u ... I will shoot your  balls away..just fart out whatever u want.. ok??

HS: smaller states r easier to rob...every asshole like me, can get a chance to make money...infact can make huge money... look at my role model, father of all scammers, recently did mother of all scams... THE KODA.. Independent candidate… became CM... Robbed the state, still people loves him... elected his wife recently... cant u see that, how blind are our Indian Junta..

Me: thats ok....  but u bloody ... u r on fasting.. isn't it? Why the hell u having biryani?

HS: hey don't take it serious, how can my half paralyzed ass survive eleven days without food?

HS: This is just to create hype, this is just to mobilize uneducated junta... apart from this, we have offered few other exciting packages for suicides in the name of Telangana...

Bro: I don’t give a damn who is dying.. Who is dead for Andhra or telangana..... It freaks me out when half educated junta makes my inbox full, with huge 10MB colorful ppts and over hyped telangana, andhra videos...

HS: Yeaa, that’s a big surprise for me, I thought, these so called educated, junta know the truth...but this is such a shame to our education system man..Forget about my uneducated followers, but these nerds should know this simple fact that, the same telangana MLAs and MPs are there for last 20-25 years, they haven't done anything for their own constituency till now, except building their own empires ... Even after telangana becomes a new state.. The same assholes will come to the power and do nothing for their junta... look at me... i was there with TDP, I was there with NCP... I did nothing but supported whoever paid me more...

HS: I was union minister, still I did nothing, my own constituency(Mahaboob nagar, poorest ditrisct of AP) tops the illiteracy, tops in the poverty, still people elect me for one day gudumba and biryani... these bloody half educated, don't know this  simple fact that backwardness of their own region is Just because of their own leaders....I don’t know what the hell they do with telangana? What if I rename Andhrapradesh to telangana??

Bro: hey calm down dude; don't get overexcited, normally, if u r on real fasting, your ass would be dead as fuckin' fried chicken.

HS: yea I know that, and everybody out there thinking that, I am alive just because of our central Govt.'s chutiapaa..

Me: Hey bro, I can’t take this... these assholes, polluted twitter, facebook, orkut with stupid communities...and sending me hundreds of requests every day.

HS: they even made websites and collecting funds to buy biryani for our hunger strike core team...It is easy to blame others when u r not competent enough, that’s what I am doing, and the same with  some of our local employees, students and our own s/w engineers doing.

Bro: can you just shut up ... don't tell me this philosophical shit again ...and do remember my "dead.. fried ......chicken... dialog"  before going for another hunger strike.

Me:  Bro... This is more like my fist year HS(Humanities and social sciences) lecture....i think I should jump away from back door.

Bro:  me too bro... its even more boring than our first year lectures..

Translating from the Hell

 --- based on a true orkut conversation

Rambo (King of  Gult land in Hell,  now  on a quest to conquering near and around states like MH):

Yo man…i think its hight time to rape ur scrap book :)

Vipin( Exiled King of Delhi again in hell, now shifted his base to a small area in HN,Mumbai, along with few followers, copying Dalai lama’s concept of peace to get a Nobel peace prize):

Weekend?

Rambo:

yeaawwww.. babby

Vipin:

get a girlfriend dude ! :)

Rambo:

"boy! boy! What in the name of Jesus H. Antichrist are you talking about? What GF? U mean a thick layer face packed, Britney look like, fancy thing? Don’t u know about the dowry market in Gult land...or …don’t u know about the recent Tiger wood’s wrong holed saga??

Vipin:

hehe ! ..Good good guilty...you are talking like a true guilt king :-)...but anyways ...whats the rate in gultland for a IITian with three year work ex :D

Rambo:

A couple of kokas dude, u can become a venture capitalist for dozens of iitin startups..  dude....... but have u ever been to abroad... it doesn’t matter even its a African country or fucking US.. This cud b a added value to ur resume. Infact, I heard, gult aunts r shortlisting resumes with few key words like “US”, “Abroad”..

Vipin:

I am game dude....if you get a bid and deny it...just pass it along :D

Rambo:

Sure, sure, my friend… my old buddy....u get a lot in that case, as the bid-ask spreads are too high because of recession......but u get some fake mustaches first ... the amount of dowry u get in gult land  is proportional to the size of mustaches u have got ….(as rule of thumb… sar pe baal ho ya naho…but strictly mooche chayie).

Vipin:

:))))))))

I will get mustaches for sure dude...if that’s the price of illiquity one has to pay so be it !

I will grow mustache from telangana to ....Coastal Andhra.

Rambo:

Dude... R u trying to copy veerappan??... be careful..thats again a pain….they will declare u as most wanted ...

Rambo:

guilt police r smart in fake encounters u know... they will kill u first and then rename u as Killer veerappan’s successor “The Vipinappan”  .. As a proof... they will cover ur face, show ur mustaches and give some edited pics to India TV(the only broadcasted channel in HELL ) to prove u as real successor of Killer Veerappan,  in a live panel discussion chaired by Raakhi sawant along with Rahul Mahajan. I am sure Rakhi can prove it ON STAGE that u r not the veerappan’s successor but u r the real  Killer Veerappan.

Vipin:

Wholey Fish ! That can actually happen....lets buy india tv and then grow the mustache :P

Rambo:

yeaa... do that...otherwise those foolish mortals blame me for ur unusual mustaches growth.. ..

Rambo:

U seriously buy it man.. I want to host a panel discussion with their constipated moron team,I dont allow them to speak, i dont allow them to leave, I interrupt them. Bark at them(Imagine KK's face expressions from a blockbuster Movie "Deshdhrohi ). its like a epic win for me.

Vipin:

I got a better idea...in the panel discussion ..i will give you two beers before every commercial break and then we will kick some ass.

Oh wait.

Its India tv, you would not need the beers. :P

Rambo:

dude... dude.. don’t mess up like  Sonia ji and Chidambaram,  i told u .. be careful with those brain dead fellows ...they r fucking IndiaTV(the only broadcasted channel in HELL ), they treat our beer as, made in china energy drink, specially made for ULFA, to promote terrorism in india... then they start applying fuzzy logic to prove us terrorists...I don’t want to die as terrorist…

Rambo:

I never dreamed of dating virgins after my glorious death… I cant even think of going to heaven. I like overcrowded hell, with all Indian politicians around playing golf.

Rambo: 

Dude … u r insulting IndiaTV(the only broadcasted channel in HELL).  U HAVE to say “the only broadcasted channel in HELL” after u take the name “IndiaTV”(the only broadcasted channel in HELL) . Otherwise there will b a panel discussion on ur holiness.

Vipin:

Im sorry IndiaTV(the only broadcasted channel in HELL).  Don’t punish my holiness.

Hi-fi daaru treats...

After moving to corporate world, Now its not profs….its full of bosses, eating ur head, trying to push u in a completely different direction to get their work done……. lets come to the point…we still have daaru treats….but this time starting with hi-fi alcohol brands.., discussing about our boss… his stupid, illogical question answers, his affairs, his despogiri, his innovative ideas to keep away girls from us and of course our ambitious discussions.  Yea I didn’t tell u guys…me and my friends have one thing common and carried forward from our student life to corporate life is, we r very very ambitious, when we r drunk…when we r drunk, the situation develops a momentum, a logic and economics of its own….and then, we think about resigning our jobs and working for our own start-up… (let me count the no. of start-up’s im involved in J). These start-up ideas range from wada-pav home delivery to multimillion algorithmic trading systems :).

 I am glad to present our start-up ideas,… just to give u guys the feel of our ambitions …Im presenting just a few,  my favorite and virtually I am involved in J.

Online Alcohol Ordering (O-A-O): (any where in India any time) this idea is by Mr. CRA

(Our CRA deserves an intro J .. he is a civil rights activist for himself… and he is the bravest, wisest political thinker he had ever seen just because his grandparents were freedom fighters)

Mr. CRA: dudes …my grandfa is a freedom fighter, my dad involved in lot of social service…….u guys haven’t given me enough time to do something to carry forward my family legacy .. And it doesn’t mean that, I won’t do it any more……Listen... ….I decided to start a company… I wanted to give something very needy and very pleasing to the society … my company basically does daaru home delivery…anywhere in India and any time….so who is with me??… if u r not with me, u r with Narendra modi...…decide urself fast… quick..

Mr. Smart: that’s cool man… u do that… it would be a real social service…..but what about in dry states?? Still it’s a nice idea to go head in other states J… u can introduce  some exciting offers later on to boost ur business ….. Like…. buy daaru from us and get sutta free… along with match box/lighter whatever u like 

IIT–JEE Coaching: by Mr. IIT

Mr. IIT: abe suno yaar… u know what…. last year IIT-JEE business crossed 1000+crores in India. I want to go back to my home town and start my own JEE coaching. Just we have to teach for 2-3 hours a day and u r totally free… rest of the day,  u can do whatever u want…

Mr. Smart: that’s a nice idea.. my Sr. started it 3 years back and now he is millionaire.. But dude …I can count how many lectures u have attended in ur 4 years at iit.

Mr. IIT: good students never b a good profs… see iit profs man… most of them were unfortunately good students. Anyway I wasn’t a good student but I can be a good lecturer.

Mr. Smart: what do u want to teach??

Mr.IIT : I teach mathematics….(jyada padneka jaroorat nahi padta…..mathematics meinJ)

Mr. Smart: yeaa… u lazy ass…

Sport Academy: A scientific approach to all sports (it’s my own idea ) 

{This idea is patented under, 35 U.S.C., without permission of the patent proprietor, a strict  infringement action will be taken}

Algorithmic Trading System:  by Mr. Late

Mr. late by definition is late for each and everything….but his algorithm guarantees him, late to office, late to parties.  He always explains his idea when we are all completely lost our senses or when we ran out of daaru… I never heard about his system other than it trades on behalf of us and it makes profits, in fact lot of profits…even if the market crashes…  

Mr. IIT :  abe take ur phone…. Its yelling….

ME:  hello.. haan bol be scientist…ohh.. shit man.. its Monday… whats the time now? God… 11am?? 

Scientist: dude… boss asking for u…

ME:  abe sun.. tell him that im on sick leave today

Scientist: dude… don’t u remember ?? He kicked ur ass last time… because all  ur sick leaves had taken on Mondays only.

ME:  Shit man… why the hell he keeps his tiny brain busy, tracking my sick leaves. Tell him that Mr.Late met with an accident and Im with him in hospital. 

Scientist: dude…Mr. Late is already in office...romancing with ur boss... 

ME: Asshole... because of that drunkard we ran out of daaru....we had to search for it such damn cold morning at 4 0r 5 AM…… had to take near and around available .. .local country daaru.

ME: how can he come to office man.....he finished our weekly stock, just in one night…

ME:  god…what the hell wrong with this earth man… its spinning faster than Jupiter…

Scientist: dude... nothing wrong with earth .. Something wrong with ur last peg...ask ur watchman to change the brand…

ME: Scientist …u cook up some story and tell him bro...

ME: see...and dont make it so complicated,  last time I had to take one week off to cover up ur stupid story.

Scientist: nothing wrong with my story dude... ur boss over reacted.

Mr. IIT: somebody knocking the door.. open it up man... may b its maid..

ME: dood... doooood... dont open it ... our maid is smart enough.. she doesnt come on sat-sun-monday mornings. Once, she dared, and witnessed our semi nude Baba Ramdev/Shilpa shetty's weird yoga positions ... after that she didnt come for work next one week. 

it’s our landlord...keep quite....

Low budget daaru treats…

Yeaa… I am totally lukkhhaaaaa on weekends…so as I promised im posting my second blog….this blog is  all about our DAARU treats :) …I mean low budget daaru treats… Though they r low budget, but we don't have treats without our Mr. DJ, his huge play list, light effects(lights off.. comp on), bucket  full of ice stolen from chemistry lab and of course canteen made chicken items along with local masala stuff to spice them up....

Yes.. our daaru treats start with our Mr.DJ's playlist....  this play list starts with our prayer, Bulleh! ki jaana maen kaun(i know its painful but its favorite of  our boring, Mr. Romeo and we r sitting in his room so bear it… or come late, as i do most of the times) then pankaj Udhas's ultimate painful songs...then light romantic songs .. by the time we reache romantics on his playlist, we all were surrendered to daaru and sing each and every line of any damn song played, without much efforts to remember the lyrics(may be our external short memory gets detected when we r drunk). After that we dont know whats there in the playlist but everybody starts making strange body moves… ( im very loyal to gulti(Telugu)..even im totally drunk…. So whatever the song playing there, i dont care, i do my favorite gulti hero dances :)… if u r a wwe fan, this one is for u,  u don’t try my dances at home, gulti heros are higly trained.. u get tired in fraction of seconds if u try them without practice :) ).

Mr. DJ claims that he has got all kind of songs/videos in his playlist, but we never witnessed them as we were busy puking, shouting at others, having gaali fights, discussing about each and every female we come across and  of course,  we spend enough time on our first and latest crushes before we crash. As per as my knowledge this huge playlist never came to an end, but mostly this is closed by a morning shift watchman, or a maggu Sophie, while attending his Monday morning lecture when the playlist reaches 7 or 9X .

 Most of the times, we wake up and realize that we missed a very important Quiz/lab or got a XXX grade because of very  very poor attendance….this kind of unforgivable and inhuman behavior of profs will dissolve only in alcohol.  Yes we have got another reason to have daaru again …

As I am totally lukkhhhaaa on weekends, u guys can expect another blog on my next topic "Hi-fi daaru treats"... stay tuned .. keep visiting my blog .. i mean monetize my blog :)