Fake fasting saga and my hardcore fiction

Disclaimer:  Fuck, shit, ass related words are used interchangeably without attaching any meaning to it. Even if you remove those words, it still gives the same meaning.

(Me and My bro taking a crazy walk on gulti land and talking about our routine stuff)

Me: hey wassup bro... How ya doin??

Bro: there is a serious problem bro... The beer consumption on earth dropped to  its all time low.

Me: have u heard of this fake fasting theory, strikes, destruction of public properties recently??  This could be a main reason as most of the liquor shops are forced to close.

Bro:  holy shit...I have absolutely no experience in handling such no-violence means bro...who the hell, doing all this?? Can u get me to those assholes..

(Suddenly me and  my  short tempered, non gulti bro, with his  favorite "Star Model SS .380 ACP pistol", bumped into one of the fake fasting asshole, Soon-To-Be-Livin, The-Rest-Of-His-Short-Ass-Life-ln-Agonizing-Pain, Hunger striker(HS), where he  and his friends having biryani, got from loacal foodchains, when he was on fucking fast to death at some hosptial(who cares about the name of hospital?).

Me: Hey, How you assholes doin' ?

(Everybody got scared and trying to hide their asses)

Bro: hey bro, lets get into the character.. Shoot his balls and take away all his male privileges before he becoming father to few other genetically defective, hormonally disabled child.

Me: Hey, keep chillin'. Looks like me and my bro caught you assholes at Dinner. Sorry about that.

HS: Hey don't hurt us....We got into this thing with best intentions...I mean, best for our own future...

(My angry brother shoots his biryani plate)

Bro: ohk.. go head...did I break your concentration ? You were saying something about "best intentions.".. go ahead...

HS:yes my dear friend, I wanted to split AP...the land of gulties... you know why??

Bro: shut up bitch... if u ask me one more fucking question...  I dare u... I double dare u ... I will shoot your  balls away..just fart out whatever u want.. ok??

HS: smaller states r easier to rob...every asshole like me, can get a chance to make money...infact can make huge money... look at my role model, father of all scammers, recently did mother of all scams... THE KODA.. Independent candidate… became CM... Robbed the state, still people loves him... elected his wife recently... cant u see that, how blind are our Indian Junta..

Me: thats ok....  but u bloody ... u r on fasting.. isn't it? Why the hell u having biryani?

HS: hey don't take it serious, how can my half paralyzed ass survive eleven days without food?

HS: This is just to create hype, this is just to mobilize uneducated junta... apart from this, we have offered few other exciting packages for suicides in the name of Telangana...

Bro: I don’t give a damn who is dying.. Who is dead for Andhra or telangana..... It freaks me out when half educated junta makes my inbox full, with huge 10MB colorful ppts and over hyped telangana, andhra videos...

HS: Yeaa, that’s a big surprise for me, I thought, these so called educated, junta know the truth...but this is such a shame to our education system man..Forget about my uneducated followers, but these nerds should know this simple fact that, the same telangana MLAs and MPs are there for last 20-25 years, they haven't done anything for their own constituency till now, except building their own empires ... Even after telangana becomes a new state.. The same assholes will come to the power and do nothing for their junta... look at me... i was there with TDP, I was there with NCP... I did nothing but supported whoever paid me more...

HS: I was union minister, still I did nothing, my own constituency(Mahaboob nagar, poorest ditrisct of AP) tops the illiteracy, tops in the poverty, still people elect me for one day gudumba and biryani... these bloody half educated, don't know this  simple fact that backwardness of their own region is Just because of their own leaders....I don’t know what the hell they do with telangana? What if I rename Andhrapradesh to telangana??

Bro: hey calm down dude; don't get overexcited, normally, if u r on real fasting, your ass would be dead as fuckin' fried chicken.

HS: yea I know that, and everybody out there thinking that, I am alive just because of our central Govt.'s chutiapaa..

Me: Hey bro, I can’t take this... these assholes, polluted twitter, facebook, orkut with stupid communities...and sending me hundreds of requests every day.

HS: they even made websites and collecting funds to buy biryani for our hunger strike core team...It is easy to blame others when u r not competent enough, that’s what I am doing, and the same with  some of our local employees, students and our own s/w engineers doing.

Bro: can you just shut up ... don't tell me this philosophical shit again ...and do remember my "dead.. fried ......chicken... dialog"  before going for another hunger strike.

Me:  Bro... This is more like my fist year HS(Humanities and social sciences) lecture....i think I should jump away from back door.

Bro:  me too bro... its even more boring than our first year lectures..

Translating from the Hell

 --- based on a true orkut conversation

Rambo (King of  Gult land in Hell,  now  on a quest to conquering near and around states like MH):

Yo man…i think its hight time to rape ur scrap book :)

Vipin( Exiled King of Delhi again in hell, now shifted his base to a small area in HN,Mumbai, along with few followers, copying Dalai lama’s concept of peace to get a Nobel peace prize):

Weekend?

Rambo:

yeaawwww.. babby

Vipin:

get a girlfriend dude ! :)

Rambo:

"boy! boy! What in the name of Jesus H. Antichrist are you talking about? What GF? U mean a thick layer face packed, Britney look like, fancy thing? Don’t u know about the dowry market in Gult land...or …don’t u know about the recent Tiger wood’s wrong holed saga??

Vipin:

hehe ! ..Good good guilty...you are talking like a true guilt king :-)...but anyways ...whats the rate in gultland for a IITian with three year work ex :D

Rambo:

A couple of kokas dude, u can become a venture capitalist for dozens of iitin startups..  dude....... but have u ever been to abroad... it doesn’t matter even its a African country or fucking US.. This cud b a added value to ur resume. Infact, I heard, gult aunts r shortlisting resumes with few key words like “US”, “Abroad”..

Vipin:

I am game dude....if you get a bid and deny it...just pass it along :D

Rambo:

Sure, sure, my friend… my old buddy....u get a lot in that case, as the bid-ask spreads are too high because of recession......but u get some fake mustaches first ... the amount of dowry u get in gult land  is proportional to the size of mustaches u have got ….(as rule of thumb… sar pe baal ho ya naho…but strictly mooche chayie).

Vipin:

:))))))))

I will get mustaches for sure dude...if that’s the price of illiquity one has to pay so be it !

I will grow mustache from telangana to ....Coastal Andhra.

Rambo:

Dude... R u trying to copy veerappan??... be careful..thats again a pain….they will declare u as most wanted ...

Rambo:

guilt police r smart in fake encounters u know... they will kill u first and then rename u as Killer veerappan’s successor “The Vipinappan”  .. As a proof... they will cover ur face, show ur mustaches and give some edited pics to India TV(the only broadcasted channel in HELL ) to prove u as real successor of Killer Veerappan,  in a live panel discussion chaired by Raakhi sawant along with Rahul Mahajan. I am sure Rakhi can prove it ON STAGE that u r not the veerappan’s successor but u r the real  Killer Veerappan.

Vipin:

Wholey Fish ! That can actually happen....lets buy india tv and then grow the mustache :P

Rambo:

yeaa... do that...otherwise those foolish mortals blame me for ur unusual mustaches growth.. ..

Rambo:

U seriously buy it man.. I want to host a panel discussion with their constipated moron team,I dont allow them to speak, i dont allow them to leave, I interrupt them. Bark at them(Imagine KK's face expressions from a blockbuster Movie "Deshdhrohi ). its like a epic win for me.

Vipin:

I got a better idea...in the panel discussion ..i will give you two beers before every commercial break and then we will kick some ass.

Oh wait.

Its India tv, you would not need the beers. :P

Rambo:

dude... dude.. don’t mess up like  Sonia ji and Chidambaram,  i told u .. be careful with those brain dead fellows ...they r fucking IndiaTV(the only broadcasted channel in HELL ), they treat our beer as, made in china energy drink, specially made for ULFA, to promote terrorism in india... then they start applying fuzzy logic to prove us terrorists...I don’t want to die as terrorist…

Rambo:

I never dreamed of dating virgins after my glorious death… I cant even think of going to heaven. I like overcrowded hell, with all Indian politicians around playing golf.

Rambo: 

Dude … u r insulting IndiaTV(the only broadcasted channel in HELL).  U HAVE to say “the only broadcasted channel in HELL” after u take the name “IndiaTV”(the only broadcasted channel in HELL) . Otherwise there will b a panel discussion on ur holiness.

Vipin:

Im sorry IndiaTV(the only broadcasted channel in HELL).  Don’t punish my holiness.

Hi-fi daaru treats...

After moving to corporate world, Now its not profs….its full of bosses, eating ur head, trying to push u in a completely different direction to get their work done……. lets come to the point…we still have daaru treats….but this time starting with hi-fi alcohol brands.., discussing about our boss… his stupid, illogical question answers, his affairs, his despogiri, his innovative ideas to keep away girls from us and of course our ambitious discussions.  Yea I didn’t tell u guys…me and my friends have one thing common and carried forward from our student life to corporate life is, we r very very ambitious, when we r drunk…when we r drunk, the situation develops a momentum, a logic and economics of its own….and then, we think about resigning our jobs and working for our own start-up… (let me count the no. of start-up’s im involved in J). These start-up ideas range from wada-pav home delivery to multimillion algorithmic trading systems :).

 I am glad to present our start-up ideas,… just to give u guys the feel of our ambitions …Im presenting just a few,  my favorite and virtually I am involved in J.

Online Alcohol Ordering (O-A-O): (any where in India any time) this idea is by Mr. CRA

(Our CRA deserves an intro J .. he is a civil rights activist for himself… and he is the bravest, wisest political thinker he had ever seen just because his grandparents were freedom fighters)

Mr. CRA: dudes …my grandfa is a freedom fighter, my dad involved in lot of social service…….u guys haven’t given me enough time to do something to carry forward my family legacy .. And it doesn’t mean that, I won’t do it any more……Listen... ….I decided to start a company… I wanted to give something very needy and very pleasing to the society … my company basically does daaru home delivery…anywhere in India and any time….so who is with me??… if u r not with me, u r with Narendra modi...…decide urself fast… quick..

Mr. Smart: that’s cool man… u do that… it would be a real social service…..but what about in dry states?? Still it’s a nice idea to go head in other states J… u can introduce  some exciting offers later on to boost ur business ….. Like…. buy daaru from us and get sutta free… along with match box/lighter whatever u like 

IIT–JEE Coaching: by Mr. IIT

Mr. IIT: abe suno yaar… u know what…. last year IIT-JEE business crossed 1000+crores in India. I want to go back to my home town and start my own JEE coaching. Just we have to teach for 2-3 hours a day and u r totally free… rest of the day,  u can do whatever u want…

Mr. Smart: that’s a nice idea.. my Sr. started it 3 years back and now he is millionaire.. But dude …I can count how many lectures u have attended in ur 4 years at iit.

Mr. IIT: good students never b a good profs… see iit profs man… most of them were unfortunately good students. Anyway I wasn’t a good student but I can be a good lecturer.

Mr. Smart: what do u want to teach??

Mr.IIT : I teach mathematics….(jyada padneka jaroorat nahi padta…..mathematics meinJ)

Mr. Smart: yeaa… u lazy ass…

Sport Academy: A scientific approach to all sports (it’s my own idea ) 

{This idea is patented under, 35 U.S.C., without permission of the patent proprietor, a strict  infringement action will be taken}

Algorithmic Trading System:  by Mr. Late

Mr. late by definition is late for each and everything….but his algorithm guarantees him, late to office, late to parties.  He always explains his idea when we are all completely lost our senses or when we ran out of daaru… I never heard about his system other than it trades on behalf of us and it makes profits, in fact lot of profits…even if the market crashes…  

Mr. IIT :  abe take ur phone…. Its yelling….

ME:  hello.. haan bol be scientist…ohh.. shit man.. its Monday… whats the time now? God… 11am?? 

Scientist: dude… boss asking for u…

ME:  abe sun.. tell him that im on sick leave today

Scientist: dude… don’t u remember ?? He kicked ur ass last time… because all  ur sick leaves had taken on Mondays only.

ME:  Shit man… why the hell he keeps his tiny brain busy, tracking my sick leaves. Tell him that Mr.Late met with an accident and Im with him in hospital. 

Scientist: dude…Mr. Late is already in office...romancing with ur boss... 

ME: Asshole... because of that drunkard we ran out of daaru....we had to search for it such damn cold morning at 4 0r 5 AM…… had to take near and around available .. .local country daaru.

ME: how can he come to office man.....he finished our weekly stock, just in one night…

ME:  god…what the hell wrong with this earth man… its spinning faster than Jupiter…

Scientist: dude... nothing wrong with earth .. Something wrong with ur last peg...ask ur watchman to change the brand…

ME: Scientist …u cook up some story and tell him bro...

ME: see...and dont make it so complicated,  last time I had to take one week off to cover up ur stupid story.

Scientist: nothing wrong with my story dude... ur boss over reacted.

Mr. IIT: somebody knocking the door.. open it up man... may b its maid..

ME: dood... doooood... dont open it ... our maid is smart enough.. she doesnt come on sat-sun-monday mornings. Once, she dared, and witnessed our semi nude Baba Ramdev/Shilpa shetty's weird yoga positions ... after that she didnt come for work next one week. 

it’s our landlord...keep quite....

Low budget daaru treats…

Yeaa… I am totally lukkhhaaaaa on weekends…so as I promised im posting my second blog….this blog is  all about our DAARU treats :) …I mean low budget daaru treats… Though they r low budget, but we don't have treats without our Mr. DJ, his huge play list, light effects(lights off.. comp on), bucket  full of ice stolen from chemistry lab and of course canteen made chicken items along with local masala stuff to spice them up....

Yes.. our daaru treats start with our Mr.DJ's playlist....  this play list starts with our prayer, Bulleh! ki jaana maen kaun(i know its painful but its favorite of  our boring, Mr. Romeo and we r sitting in his room so bear it… or come late, as i do most of the times) then pankaj Udhas's ultimate painful songs...then light romantic songs .. by the time we reache romantics on his playlist, we all were surrendered to daaru and sing each and every line of any damn song played, without much efforts to remember the lyrics(may be our external short memory gets detected when we r drunk). After that we dont know whats there in the playlist but everybody starts making strange body moves… ( im very loyal to gulti(Telugu)..even im totally drunk…. So whatever the song playing there, i dont care, i do my favorite gulti hero dances :)… if u r a wwe fan, this one is for u,  u don’t try my dances at home, gulti heros are higly trained.. u get tired in fraction of seconds if u try them without practice :) ).

Mr. DJ claims that he has got all kind of songs/videos in his playlist, but we never witnessed them as we were busy puking, shouting at others, having gaali fights, discussing about each and every female we come across and  of course,  we spend enough time on our first and latest crushes before we crash. As per as my knowledge this huge playlist never came to an end, but mostly this is closed by a morning shift watchman, or a maggu Sophie, while attending his Monday morning lecture when the playlist reaches 7 or 9X .

 Most of the times, we wake up and realize that we missed a very important Quiz/lab or got a XXX grade because of very  very poor attendance….this kind of unforgivable and inhuman behavior of profs will dissolve only in alcohol.  Yes we have got another reason to have daaru again …

As I am totally lukkhhhaaa on weekends, u guys can expect another blog on my next topic "Hi-fi daaru treats"... stay tuned .. keep visiting my blog .. i mean monetize my blog :)

Prologue

--- Just a trailer

New friends come, new friends go…..(Hey look, im not writing lyrics to my favorite rapper Eminem, so you dont look at the aesthetic appeal of the this writing, it has no rhyme, no reason, no meter, and the works ) But old friends are there forever. Esp for me, the friends I shared bed/  room/ flat/ sutta/ beedi/ cigarette/ not to mention DAARU and of course those, who taught me Hindi :) and their innovative teaching skills. I dont forget them because they come at right time, right place (not bar/restaurant/smoking points), and right age.

Right age I mean, that’s the age, we’re collectively learn new important things in life(any guesses??). That’s the age, we started applying our optimization techniques learnt, once in a while attended optimization courses to real life problems to save our ass from getting XXX grades. That’s the age, we maximized our time in extra-curricular activities like sports/cult/ comp games, and not to mention low budget daaru treats, on each and every possible occasion. That’s the age, we invent reasons to have daaru parties. We invent the reasons because we are all ambitious when we are totally drunk (our ambitions r adult rated :) and of course not related to academics or life, so keeping them away from here). That’s the age, we never mind as A,B,C grades disappearing gradually from our grade sheets.


if u r slightly patient enough, keep visiting this blog for my another post.. its on our...  "low budget daaru treats".. coming very soon...